The Sound of Music

Music. How lucky of a species are we to be gifted with something so beautiful. Something that is able to reach into our heart, soul and mind and pluck away at memories, not only recalling but ever constantly creating. There is a library of music ranging from Emmylou Harris to a crazy punk rock band named Sexy Finger Champs that marks my life with moments that come alive at the very strike of the 1st chord. I certainly can't forget Cat Stevens from childhood along with Creedence Clearwater, The Jackson Five, The Pointer Sisters, Loretta Lynn and the original Hank Williams. I was fortunate to be raised with an open mind to the diversity of music but I really hadn't seen much until I met Joel. A musician who was raised by four brothers and an amazing father all seeped in the cultural diversity of music. Our vast CD library rambles through Jazz, Blues, Latin, Country, Bluegrass, Soul, Cajun, Classical and so many variations of rock I couldn't begin to sub-divide. As I sit here on a Monday evening, Valentine's no less, listening to Emmylou, I remember the 1st time this album penetrated my life. Marking me in a way so significant I knew that forever this album would represent a turning point, a time when I shed a skin and walked in a new light, an awakening. I was in my early 30's working on a music video, Brooks & Dunn, down in the bottom of Texas, a place called LaJitas. I was staying in a hotel with a tile porch looking out toward the Old Mexico border. The job was hard as hell and rest was cherished. I sat out on that cool porch one evening as the sun set on a very dry and hot day. The jambox was playing that Emmylou CD and I was pondering my life. I was in a marriage that just wasn't working. It wasn't bad. We loved each other and there was no serious pain inflicted other than a few random infidelities that had created a resolution of apathy through distrust. The emotional injuries had scarred over and there was no chance of any new wounds occurring or old ones reopening. This old heart had a shut door, sealed up with the key thrown away. A casual friendship with obligatory sex was all that was left. I had been in it for 14 years starting at 18. Often times I felt most like a 17-year-old looking out a window, wondering how I had gotten in this old car that was my life. Worse, I didn't know how to get off, get out, or get the fucking car to stop. These were my reflections as I sat on that cool, LaJitas porch, sucking down a Lone Star beer. I was done. I had to figure out how to get out and start to live again, me, the juvenile 17-year-old Joanna who had been left behind. As Emmylou played a backdrop to my thoughts, I felt my spirit lifting, I would leave, I was leaving, I'd made up my mind. I would figure out a way to eject myself from this passionless marriage at whatever cost. And, I did. It took awhile, and it hurt, but I left and I was fine, am fine, and he's fine. I'm so glad I found a way because the best of life was still waiting for me to find the courage to let that 17-year-old out to play and grow up and become completely who I needed to be. The awesome part was I found someone to play with. It took a few years, but we found each other, right in the other's back pocket. Someone I'd known all along but never expected. Funny how your soulmate can be right there across a bar, a friend you run into at the store or the park, someone you really like as a person, respect as a human. Joel was that someone who would want to be 17 forever but still know how to play grown-up when it was necessary. So here it is, almost a decade later, our little boy Jake is 3 and there is another on the way. It's Valentine's and Emmylou is on the stereo and Jake is playing beside me and even though Joel and I are not together this evening because of his crazy catering job, I know with all the assurance that I know that the Sun will rise tomorrow, this is the love that lasts forever, filled with solidity and trust and respect. I will always be surrounded by encompassing love, wonderful music and profound happiness for eternity. All the good things in our lives stick with us, in our hearts and souls and minds, like a really good soundtrack running through our days.

Thumper

The hardest thing about pregnancy, for me, is the 1st 3 months. Everyday I wake up, feeling generally o.k., but as soon as I am moving around I can't imagine eating, but desperately need to. As I begin to ingest I get that horrible feeling of nausea and for hours after my mouth tastes like I just ate grease. This goes on all day long as well as a never-ending feeling of exhaustion. I begin to think it will never end, and in the case of my current 2nd pregnancy, I must admit, it hasn't ended, completely. It is getting better. Now, somewhere in the proximity of 18 weeks (I don't know how to keep up with these weeks), I can do chores and errands after work, eat regular meals (almost) and smile (something I had a very hard time doing for awhile). Recently, within the last 3 weeks, I have started feeling alot of knocks on my uterine wall. What I am saying is I think the little monkey is trying to communicate through telegraph. I feel the bumps, I don't know what they mean. It goes on all day, all night, and it's fine by me. Where before this was some strange entity that was torturing me for a reason I did not know, now it is my little buddy, reminding me she or he is still there so please don't eat so much chocolate and drink so much tea and stop with the fries please. So, at 40, becoming a 2-time mama isn't so bad. I'm looking forward to the way that love blossoms and grows from love. Being an only child, I was afraid that there wouldn't be enough love, that love somehow stretched thin and ran out. How was I to know any different. I had belonged to a small community of family and though there was plenty of love there, it had really never had its limits tested. Now, I see, there is room for another, Jake will love his little sibling and I will love Jake and mine and Joel's love grows ever stronger and I still love my poochies, Red and Gus, more than ever. Heck, maybe we will get a few more dogs and a couple of cats. But, for me, this body is done stretching for now.

Having a Baby.

Today I will work on how to have a baby with no maternity coverage. Last baby was easy when it all came down to it. After interviewing a certified nurse mid-wife clinic that I loved, they sent me to Medicade, which somehow I immediately qualified for because I was unmarried (though I did have a live-in father of baby) and unemployed (though I did get a job). Medicade is a wonderful assistant to the whole prenatal and delivery care process. This time won't be as easy and now with Austin excluding mid-wives from the hospitals it is making it even more difficult. I am sure it will all work out. It always does.

During Pregnancy

In this pregnancy, I know my indulgences. I cannot remember my first pregnancy. There is a blackout that occurs during delivery. Anything that happened in the 40 weeks previous is entirely wiped out. In this pregnancy, it is chocolate and coffee. I have no desire for the glasses of wine, or pints of beer that have entertained me through most of my life (aside from the first 14 years when I didn't drink). Thank god for the holidays, you can pick up a small box of candy with 4 pieces that calms my tummy for the day. I get my one cup of java in the morning that once again calms my tummy for the morning. This cup helps me digest the breakfast I can barely swallow down even though I am in my 5th month and everything should be better by now. Hilariously, though I fought it completely, I am sure that only a girl could be doing this to me. I am now convinced I am carrying a little girl, though I had hoped for another (easy) boy. Now, with that intuitive knowledge of a childbearing mama, I have great plans for this little girl. She will take ballet, jazz, tap and modern dance, I will have her doing yoga with me every morning. I will help her to become everything I never have and drive her completely crazy, just like my mom did, does to me. I have become so excited to have someone to dish about shopping, buy fashion mags, go to the beach with, I am overwhelmed. In 6 weeks when I get my ultrasound and find out it's a boy I'll be so deflated, me, the one who fought so hard the concept of a little girl coming into my life. Silly.