Ahhhhhhh

I went to drop Jake at school again today leaving a hole in my heart when I left him ( I wonder if anyone noticed) and my stomach in complete knots. Where was I going to day Miss Jobless, well to interview a new school. Do I feel better about it, well yes in many ways other than the fact that it is pretty big, but there are great things about it. It's all a group of kids that are the same age so I know my little precious urchin won't be getting the shit kicked out of him by the school age kids he is grouped with regularly at the undisclosed current school. All said, on August 15th Jake starts at a new school and I have to love it damnit.

How Could I

I just dropped off Jake at the not to be mentioned so-called "pre-school" and once again I am ill. I give up trying to give these guys a 2nd chance over and over. It really works for us in so many ways but I seriously believe that we have to give up our selfish time in the afternoon of biking and such and bite the bullet for a more formalized pre-school. When he goes to elementary school he will be going the same hours as these pre-schools. Right now he is in some sort of daycare that calls itself a pre-school. Damnit. He's just too precious to do this to. It was such chaos that I considered bringing him back home. Then things settled down some and I was able to leave him feeling like he would be o.k. Why, so I can come back here and worry about him on my blog. Yesterday turned out o.k. in the end. I went to Shannons and all 3 boys played like crazy while we lolled around in chairs talking about all the things we should be doing and laughing at the French who she said totally ingore thier children (according to one French she knows, I don't believe it though). Jake fell asleep on the couch naked at 8:30 and woke in the middle of the night to crawl into our bed. While he was asleep on the couch we finally scored some much needed alone time which was very, very, very, berry delicious and nice. Well, I have an appointment with another program on Wednesday at 9am so switching schools it may be. I've been talking about it ever since he started here at this unbelievably convenient school. OH, in closing, I happened to get a glance at a fax at the school being the nosy bee I can be and saw that they were notifying directors of pool safety as there have been some drownings at the pool where they have classes. Ha. I had decided long ago that Jake was not taking classes unless I was there so atleast I don't have to worry about that. Dear God. I'm fearful.

Check this site out

Don't look at my desk, check out this cool site. I have a ton of paperwork to tend to but can't stand dealing with it. I really want to do 2 hours of yoga, ride my bike for an hour and try out the sewing machine. I'm a non-crafting crafter. Oh, the dreams I have, they would make your mind spin. Check out the above link for really cool things you can get made by other people who are doing what I ought to be doing. Very one-of-a-kind for the one-of-a-kind mama with a price that is reasonable. Off to do yoga.

Cool Shit

If you read this you need to check her out. She's cool.

Pain in the Ass

I wanted to write this really beautiful entry with a cute picture of Jake painting at SEVEN O'CLOCK ON A SUNDAY MORNING. I really was trying to make it a beautiful experience. BUT. The camera battery was dead so I started charging it then when I got my computer out I totally got distracted by my resume and started working on it then everything went right back to what it has been since 10pm last night. Jake whining and trying to get attention. I'm not sure what is up but he didn't want to go to sleep last night and he doesn't want to wear a diaper to sleep, which makes perfect sense, but he then proceeded to pee all over his mat, which is fine, but he fought me on the mat too, and, I explained that he was going to pee all over the bed, and he did pee on my pillow, which sucked. I'm visualizing a time when he definitely moves out of the family bed. I'm excited. I'm ready. I'm over it. So, now it's 8:38am and he's watching Thomas and the house is a wreck and I'm feeling like a wreck and I think we are just going to get dressed, get tacos and go to the park. Why not. What do we have to lose, maybe I will wear him out and I can get some yoga done. So, it's not the best morning but we will try to make the best of it.

A Day in the Hill Country

How can you not find this fella adorable. As I watch him grow up into a little man I am truly astounded at the individual he is becoming. He is not just my little boy anymore, but a young man with thoughts and opinions. He has recently become a frustrated artist. Painting daily he melds all the colors together announcing his image and filling it with shape and texture. I quickly swipe them away and hang them up on a bit of yarn with a clothesline clip to dry. He explained to me that he had no need to keep them and wanted them thrown in the trash. My little frustrated artist. How sad to see him inherit that trait. This picture reflects a day IvyAnt and I took him to the flower stand out near Dripping Springs. He met a dog out there and quickly became his friend. We brought beautiful flowers and herbs home and Jake attended to the flowers like the true sensitive soul that he is.

Another day rolls on

Another day, another day, what will I accomplish today. The hardest time I have is justifying my existence when I am not earning money. My only options are to clean house. That always makes me feel like I am earning my keep. I look around at all these people who are "writers". What does that mean. What does it take to be a "writer"? Am I a writer because I am writing this. Last night I took a long look at my poetry and I questioned. Questioned why it is that angst is the impetus for my poetry. Hatred or anger towards someone conjures up the energy to write a poem. So, I have to learn to observe and write. Life doesn't have to be filled with hate in order to create good poems. So, today I will sit down and conjure a thought, observe a happening, twist a spot. Other than that I guess I'll just go wash the fucking dishes.

Cruising Motherhood

I'm at my desk again sitting and waiting for something to happen. I stayed up late after the boys and did a little research on concussions as Jake came home with a huge bump on his head from school. As always, my blood level reached a boiling point and as predicted, I wanted to go down there and ring all the teacher's little necks. This motherhood thing can be so crazy, exhausting, daunting, frightening, overwhelming, you choose the word. I'm so scared. I pay people money to care for my son and I get back a damaged little boy. This time it's a bump, what will happen next. I want to keep him home with me and not let anyone touch him. How will I ever let him go out into the world, the big, real, scary place where people drive selfishly, girls break your heart, guys beat the shit out of you, and governments draft you. God. god. goooood god almighty. What's a mother to do. I'm doing my normal cruising through websites last night and I find a blog . . . http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. It obviously made me ponder, what is my secret? Today, it's the terrifying thought of having another child. It terrifies me to try, and if I am successful, it terrifies me to look after them. To save them everyday from the world knowing full well that I am now, officially, an over-protective mother.

And the fun begins

Well I'm in my 2nd week of unemployment, the days are getting hot and humid and Joel is still working as hard as ever. What this means for me is that I must absolutely get my ass in gear and not only start looking for work but also become the great creator that I so intend to be. Everyday passes and I relish in the fact that I simply don't have to do anything if I don't want. I am truly blown away because I feel like this is too good to be true. I feel wierd dropping Jake off at school and having nothing to do but think. And god can I think. How many ideas can pour through a brain in one day. Plenty. So here is what's next on the agenda. I am going to learn how to sew and while I'm doing that I think I'll start a little newsletter. One for parents about all the cool kid shit they can do. Yeah that's it. And while I'm at it I'm going to interview my friend Shannon on her cakes and get the article printed at Austinmama. I've got to go call her now. Signing off.